The United Night Vale of America
by endsoftheworld
Summary: Alternate universe where Night Vale is friendly, desert, country, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and flashing lights pass over the skies, as we all pretend to sleep. Plus, bicentennial celebrations, updates on the new laws, and the war on wheat and wheat by-products.


_Hi, this is definitely Joseph Fink. And, although you can't see me, or hear my voice, you'll just have to take my word for it this time, that I am indeed the one, and only, Joseph Fink. So toss all doubt from you mind that this isn't me, because it is. I am, Joseph Fink._

_This is a fanfiction, and was a labor of love, and while this probably not canon (even though I am in fact, Joseph Fink)._

_I'm sure donations would be much appreciated to the artists who actually created, and work hard, to produce Welcome to Night Vale in the first place (people like me, Joseph Fink). Just go to Common Place Books and click on 'donate' to help support the show. Thank-you._

Cecil:  
>The eyes are the windows to the soul. The ears are the doors to the mind. The stomach is the escalator to the heart. The face is...well...let's just say that it is probably <em>not <em>doing what it should be doing?  
>Welcome to The United Night Vale of America.<p>

* * *

><p>Hello listeners.<p>

Citizens.  
>Those who are here, but don't belong.<br>Those who belong, but are not here.  
>And those who neither belong here, nor exist, and are just a fever dream, thought up by a mad-man, or possibly a genius.<p>

I speak to you today on our great country's 200th birthday, the day that it was born, as all things are born, through blood, struggle, and an evil conjuring that we must never fully understand as our feeble-minds could not possibly comprehend it. As always, I am here to bring you the latest updates in our great nation, and even though today we celebrate two centuries of our oppressive-freedom, news worthy stories are still legalized and allowed to take their course. So while the festivities begin to commence, I will be here to sooth your fear filled minds. Mostly with news reports.

* * *

><p>To start today's broadcast off, I will address the "Illegal Alien" situation, which, as we all know, is an incredibly useful situation we are in the middle of, where extra-terrestrial beings will come from the Stars and give new technology to our weak-earthling society. And-as they are illegal aliens and not legally allowed on terrestrial soil-we then use this new-technology to completely wipe them off the face of the planet, never to be heard from or seen again.<p>

* * *

><p>Today all of the Senates met. The Secret Senate, the Dark Senate, the Master Senate, the Senate brought to you by SubWay™ - Eat Fresh, the Plaid Senate, and even the Future Senate, which is now exclusively run by the Lizard-Men. They got together, and discussed some new laws. After they allegedly left their Capitol Plane, returned to our mortally disclosed realm, and telepathically communicated with several newspaper reporters, the reporters were captured.<p>

Killed.

And memory-removed by renegade News Bloggers, who have gone on to report the newly enacted laws themselves.

The new laws are as follows:

nobody knows.

All new laws are, as they have always been, completely unknown by the public, and must be discovered on a trial and error basis.

More on this as it progresses.

* * *

><p>Now for Financial News:<p>

NASDAQ has gone up. And it is continuing to go up.

It looks like it will never stop.

It's going so very high up.

Scientists cannot comprehend it. How far does it go? As far as we can tell it goes on forever.

Wait, what's this listeners?

Is it?

It's rippling?

The NASDAQ had touched something, and is now vibrating back to us. As I am watching it right now, and it is moving up and down in varying long and short waves. Wait, this looks familiar, I believe this is morse code.

I learned Morse Code of course, as we all have, from kindergarten boot-camp. Unfortunately radio does have its limits, so for those who cannot see it, I will decode it now. It says...oh? This is odd? The short and long waves are rippling down, and it's saying…."cecil….you….asshole"? and now….something appears to be falling? And it's...intern Estefan? What are you doing here? Estefan? Hello? Listeners he's not responding to me, but his head is hanging low, he's mumbling something and he's walking out of the station very quickly. I am looking out the window and watching him leave the building, and he's making a very obscene gesture towards the building now.

Oh wait no, it's directed at me.

And….he's gone? Well, this has been, financial news.

* * *

><p>And now, a PSA from the sponsors who own 48.3% of our financial debt:<p>

_You are safe from most things right? At any second a gamma ray burst from an exploding star, a completely undetectable and unstoppable event, could destroy all life as we know it on Earth, but surely it's too improbable to worry about all the time. And of course any minute now a mutation could occur that would create a completely unstoppable virus, though the odds of that are so slim there's no need to worry. Right? And how long has it been since you've been near your phone? Long enough for a call from your physician to inform you of that terminal cancer you have perhaps? "Three weeks left" he said, but you weren't there to hear it, so you don't know about it yet. Maybe it's just best to not check your messages now. Avoid emails too, just to be on the safe-side. Ignorance: Protecting You From Everything._

Brought to you, by State Farm!

* * *

><p>And now, dear listeners, in honor of our 200th anniversary, I would be obliged and obligated to give a brief synopsis of the founding and history of our fair country.<p>

I am obliged because, as you know, all history books are illegal, and I feel that to know one's history is to know one's self.

I am obligated because there is a man with black suit, tie,

and jacket holding a pink gun at my forehead,

giving me a script to read off of. So we'll begin:

As with most good things, we start at the beginning:

After the Cold War.

The Ice Giants, and the Frost Midgets had both settled their differences, since there were no differences left, after they both violently massacred one another, and systematically destroyed each all refinances of both races.

This allowed the Lizard Men to rise up, unfortunately their world was now too cold to be inhabited.

So the Lizard Men traveled across the Void, to America. And, with their advanced weapons, state-of-the-art warfare techniques, and general biological sturdiness, they easily defeated the puny-humans who lived in the land previously.

Thankfully though, the Lizard Men had some ounce of warmth in their cold, cold blood, and left only the weakest willed of the humans, and subsequent generations, to live their lives out as slaves.

And, of course we all know, one day George Washington, and some other lesser demigods, stood up the Lizard Men, and began a revolution.

They failed of course, but the Lizard Men, probably due to boredom with our pathetic human lives, let them live, and form their own pseudo-democratic country that we know and love today as The United Night Vale of America.

* * *

><p>The NRA has announced today that they will no longer advocate the usage of guns<p>

"Yeah, I mean, guns are so cliched"

said an NRA spokesperson wearing a beret, sipping a cup of Starbucks coffee, and carrying around a MacBook Pro for no apparent reason, since it was neither had a screen intact, nor was charged.

"I just think"

he said taking a sip of coffee

"that if we are to keep up our image, we need to make ourselves more nostalgic, to appeal to a younger audience"

he then turned and, seemingly out of nowhere, materialized a Chevy Impala.

"In here is the future. This:"

he said, opening the hood of the car, and revealing five rocks and a stick

"weapons of yesteryear."

He then proceeded to demonstrate how each individual rock, and one stick, could kill just as effectively as a gun.

"And our new slogan:

_Rocks kill people, they just do. But sticks on the other hand, make you just that much more deadly_".

He then proceeded to make a low-pitched gurgling noise, set fire to literally everything within eyeshot, and disappeared, only to leave a closed, 3 dollar bag of glitter behind.

* * *

><p>In international news, the capitalistic-communism state of the Democratic People's Republic of Desert Bluffs has released an international press statement that is as following:<p>

Kevin:

Citizens of the Earth™ (current trademark of StrexCorp Synernists Inc.), we _know_ that you have become bored and tired of your so called 'governments'.

I mean what's a government's job to do but govern?

And what are governments doing none of? That's right: governing.

Well we here at the Democratic People's Republic of Desert Bluffs know how you feel, so we've taken upon ourselves to govern all of our citizens.

All of them.

On everything they do.

From what toothbrush they use, to the jobs that they would be most effective at. Isn't that great!? No free thought required! Just pure effectiveness, predetermined before birth by our parent company: StrexCorp!

All new citizens get a free Job Starter Kit, and begin training for their new lives right away. So come on down.

Do it.

Now.

Our satellites are out there, and they know that you aren't.

Maybe you just don't know how to get here?

Well, just press your face against your radio, tv, newspaper, or any form of media owned by StrexCorp (that is to say all of them) and you will, more or less, be a registered citizen! And as a citizen, stepping foot onto any other country is illegal, and our Smiling Government agents will arrest you and send you to a work camp immediately. Right here. In the Democratic People's Republic of Desert Bluffs.  
>The Democratic People's Republic of Desert Bluffs: You're Here Forever.<p>

So Smile.

It'll Help With the Pain.

Cecil:

No word from any other governments on how they have reacted to this statement, presumably due to fear, or laziness. Most likely both.

* * *

><p>Well there is good news, and terrifying news listeners. First the good news: after the Senates' secret laws have passed, multiple citizens have, knowingly or unknowingly, broken new said laws, and we are now able to report on the new laws that have been enacted. And now the terrifying news: WE ARE NOW ABLE TO REPORT ON THE NEW LAWS THAT HAVE BEEN ENACTED.<p>

They are as follows:  
>One: "Death is illegal, it just is. All law breakers will be given the death penalty. Thereby giving them a 'double-death'"<p>

Two: "Living without a permit is now prohibited. Permits may be picked up from any small-town local government employee; non practicing physician; unsolicited email spam; or that one shady guy. You know the one, the one who you're sure isn't up to anything 'illegal' but just tends to creep people out, and whenever you see him you make sure to keep a safe but-not-suspiciously-far distance. Punishment for this offence is a life sentence."

and Three: "Books are now, and continue to be as they always have been, illegal. Come on people" the Dark-Senate remarked "do we really need to keep reminding you of this?" The Plaid Senate then quoted in unison "I mean this law's been around for years now, and the fact that we just have to keep making the same law again and again to remind you people is _insane." _The statement ended with the Master Senate saying "We haven't thought of an ironic punishment for this one yet, just give us some time here, we'll get to it….we'll get to it..."

This has been an update on the laws.

* * *

><p>While we're on the subject: the President's Secret Service would like to remind you all Wheat and Wheat byproducts are also still illegal.<p>

However, since most of you, quote "don't seem to understand", the President's Secret Service has issued a "War on Wheat".

The spokesman of the President's Secret Service has this to say

"You people are all idiots. It literally will kill you. I just don't understand"

He said, gritting his teeth, and clawing at the desk, making little marks with his nails. "It just completely bewilders me that you would throw away life just so you can make a 'nice pizza' or some 'good old fashioned mac and cheese, like mom used to make'. I mean sure, everyone loves a good calzone, easy to eat, portable, but not when the calzone will _literally_ turn into a HIGHLY VENOMOUS SNAKE. I MEAN IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?!"

He began vibrating, until a -what I assumed to be his caretaker- came by and put a small black pebble in his mouth. He immediately stopped shaking, and went right back to speaking.

"Fine, you wanna throw your life away, do it. See if I care. You're just fixing the gene pool if you ask me. Anyone dumb enough to eat wheat, deserves to die. So, effective immediately, we will kill anyone caught with wheat. WE WON'T GIVE THOSE SNAKES A CHANCE TO KILL YOU, BECAUSE WE WE'LL GET TO YOU FIRST!"

He then proceeded to undrape the large, red cloth behind him to reveal a _literal_ army for a _literal_ war on drugs.

Complete with an air force, marines, army, navy, and underground taskforce.

"TRY AND EAT WHEAT NOW SUCKERS!"

He concluded by laughing maniacally, and then shooting an m16 semi-assault rifle in the air while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

So you heard it here first folks: think, before you do wheat.

* * *

><p>Getting back to more social affairs, listeners, the official celebrations for our country's 200 anniversary have been sanctioned by the all of the Senates. And what a celebration it is dear listeners!<p>

Households everywhere are seeing their blood-stones glow with state-mandated pride.

Fireworks are being shot up to scare away all extra-terrestrial invaders.

And The United Night Vale of American flags are being hung up everywhere. Everywhere listeners. Literally, everywhere.

The streets are flooded. Flags are flooding households, pouring out of every window. Children are screaming, and then silent. Parents are silent, and then screaming. Building are collapsing due to the shear amount of weight created by the flags. Ambulances would get to those in danger, but there's not nearly enough power to plow through the nearly unending streams of flags. Such a tragedy, dear listeners.

* * *

><p>And now "traffic":<p>

There are flags everywhere clogging the streets!

This has been "traffic".

* * *

><p>Oh dear listeners, I thought that the station would be safe, but it is not. It. Is. Not. The NASDAQ graph that we reported on earlier is. It's. From whatever part of space-time it has punctured, is now leaking United Night Vale flags!. They're pouring in, and we can't stop them. It's beginning to suffocate a vast majority of interns. And now it's beginning to consume <em>me<em>, listeners! Intern Daneel is attempting to extinguish them with...fire? DANEEL NO!  
>Oh.<p>

To the friends and family of intern Daneel, she has tragically died in flag burning accident. Not from the fire itself, but because it is illegal to burn our flag, and she had immediately evaporated.

So while I look for a legally permitted way to dispose of flags, I bring you all now, to The Weather:

* * *

><p>watch?v=KVfX1qiZWEs<p>

* * *

><p>Well citizens, the time has come, and the festivities are at a close.<p>

As civic pride is no longer mandated, flags have stopped self-generating. And, thanks intern Estefan, who fell down through the NASDAQ graph time-warp hole, we here at the station have had the brilliant idea of pouring all excess flags through it.

Also to friends and family of intern Estefan, we are deeply sorry for your loss. Although the physical interpretation of vulgar swears directed at me earlier seem to make much more sense now.

Now of course, assuming past reality-Cecil does the same as I am currently doing right now, he will be disposing of his flags _and_ our flags in the same manner.

The same with past-Cecil's past-Cecil, and so on and so forth. Eventually succumbing to the point in which the amount of flags in one particular reality is too great and rips a fabric in space-time.

Of course that is a problem for future Cecil, or past Cecil, I'm not entirely sure which. But for now, I am sure on thing, that this Cecil, this present-Cecil, would like to wish you all a happy birthday, and a goodnight, United Vale of America. Goodnight.

_Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is normally written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, and produced by Joseph Fink, except this one time when it wasn't. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, but since he couldn't make it, it's now just the voice inside your head (however, should you choose that voice to be Cecil Baldwin's, there would be no issue). _

_Kevin is usually played by Kevin R. Free, but ditto._

_Original music by no one since this is the written word, and there is no sound to accompany it. All of it can be found at __, or at __ .com__._

_This episode's weather was "Burn Them" by Greensky Bluegrass. Find out more at __ (yes they are real)._

_You can Email the real WTNV crew at nightvale , or follow them on twitter at __ nightvaleradio__._

_Check out __ for all sorts of cool Night Vale stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the Donate link. _

_That'd be cool of you._

_Thanks._

_Today's Proverb: We were born knowing nothing about how the World works, and that's how we'll go._


End file.
